This is All Too Familiar

From the time I hit puberty (more years ago than I would like to admit to) I have battled my weight.  I grew up with uncles that teased (tortured) me by calling me names: Fatso, Tub-o, Chubby, etc. and to be honest looking back I was not FAT, I was curvy, but not FAT.  During my sophomore year of high school there was a group of girls (who I had considered friends) that left a note in my math book that had a picture of what was suppose to be me with a pig face and large, bulging hips.  I found it, as they had hoped, in my algebra class and completely broke down.  During this time, I did comfort myself with cookies, pieces of bread, cheese, ice cream that I snuck into my room and ate ALONE.  All with the thought that this would make me feel better.  It never really did, but the food didn't call me names and was always there for me.  I did all sorts of diets: Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Vitamin shots, plans I read in magazines.  And my weight would fluctuate.

As adulthood started, and I was buying my own food, I ate less and spent my evenings at a country nightclub line dancing.  I got in decent shape and began to wear tight Wrangler jeans and tight bodysuits (yes, bodysuits were cool then).  At the same nightclub I found the love of my life and so we got married.  I am so blessed, he is a man that loves my "womanly" figure.  As you might expect, we started our family and I loved having the excuse to eat for 2 (or more).  My weight skyrocketed well above 200 lbs.  YIKES!!!  I was hoping that when my son was born he would weigh 60 or 70 pounds, because that couldn't possibly be ALL ME.  Alas, it was ALL ME.  I carried reminders of my 3 pregnancies with me long after my twins were born.

That is where my latest journey with Weight Watchers began (nearly 6 years ago).  I started at 214 lbs.  YEP, that is a HEFTY number.  In about 1 1/2 years I had lost 55 lbs. of that.  I felt pretty confident.  And as you might think I stopped following the program as strictly as I initially did.  And it actually worked for a while.  I maintained that weight for a few years, but in the last 1 1/2 I have been out of control.  Not tracking my food as diligently as I use, eating just about ANYTHING I want.  And to be honest it has all been DELICIOUS, but not worth the 30 pounds I have put back on.

And that is where I am today.  I went to my Weight Watcher Meeting today and weighed in.  Tipping the scale at 191.  (Wow, that is a hard thing to type)  So I am recommitting myself to losing that weight, AGAIN and FINALLY getting to GOAL (145 lb.).  I almost feel like I need a list of why it is worth going without some of my favorites:

• I don't want to be fat in the pictures for Zack's graduation
• I want to feel like being more active
• I want to wear the clothes in my closet again
• BOOTS!!!
• I want to feel SEXY when Steve looks at me
• 25 Year Reunion coming up soon
• Want to be a good role model for my girls

I want Steve to be able to lift me up with any extra effort.

I am hoping to use this old blog to journal my journey, vent on rough days, celebrate my accomplishments.  Not sure anyone will read it and don't actually care if anyone does.  Just think it will be cathartic to let some of these feelings out.

 

Wish me Luck!!!

CHRISTMAS: day 1

 Decorating the Christmas tree is not just the application of ornaments when we are putting up the "family tree".  It is like opening up a scrapbook of our adventures.  We have all the handcrafted ornaments that the kiddos have made since they were old enough to hold a pair of scissors or squeeze a glue bottle,  We have the wreaths made of puzzle pieces that capture how young they were at the time.  Reindeers made from their hand impressions and various paper mached items.  Then we have the ornaments that we have gotten on various trips or vacations: cruise ships, mermaids, pieces of Yellowstone or Yosemite.  My favorite is when we start putting up the ornaments that Steve and I have given to each other.  Sometimes they are just cute holiday ornaments and others represent something we did that year.  For example this year Steve gave me an ornament that looks like a purse to represent my new "business" venture.  I made him one with a picture of Suzy Bogguss and a little guitar because he got to meet her this year after her concert. 

  Once it is all done, the ornaments are on, the angel is atop the tree and the pretty red bows have been attached to various limbs.  I love to step back and bask in all we have done in our 16 years of marriage.  A reminder of our good life and how much we are blessed.

RACES turns into a LESSON

Today was the Provo Halloween Half Marathon.  Steve ran this last year and it looked like so much fun I wanted to do it this year.  I ran in the 2nd wave because I run slower than a 2:10.  That did not phase me.  I positioned myself  with the 3:00 pacer.  The gun was fired and we were off.  I loved how the pacer ran.  She ran/walked and it was a perfect pace.  I was feeling great tackling the descent like a pro.  So I am proud to announce I ran the best first 3 miles evah!!! And then it all came to a HALT!!! 

 As I started mile 3, I was running a steep curve and my foot landed wrong and I turned my ankle.  I tried to walk it off and attempted a couple of jogs to catch up with the 3:00 Pacer.  It soon became evident that it was futile.  My ankle was too sore and trying to "hobble" down the canyon was the best I could hope for.  I tried to keep a positive attitude.  I was talking to myself, "...you can do this....its fine to walk...you NEED to finish..."  When I got to the flatter section of the course, it definitely helped a little, but I had definitely slowed down.  Everyone was passing, even a pair of UmpaLumpa.  SERIOUSLY!!!  It was getting harder to keep the positive self talk going.  It slowly turned into, "what was I thinking...I am just fooling myself that I can do these kind of things...Steve is going to be so disappointed in me..."

I run with a Gamin watch. I began to do the math...it wasn't looking good. I also realized I was living up to my saying, "someone has to be last and it might as well be me." I was keeping up with a set of people walking, but around mile 7 I began to drop off.  I was compensating for the ankle, the rest of my body was aching: my knee, my hip, up through my back to my neck.  Now my thoughts are, "I AM PATHETIC...how am I going to get to the finish... please let Steve find me soon,,,"  Shortly before getting to mile marker 9 I saw Steve and I seriously lost it.  I began to cry and apologize for my failure.  He kept telling me to stop apologizing.  It happens.  And I know it happens, but why did it have to happen to me.  I suck at this as it is. 

Steve left me at the parking lot and ran back to the finish, where he needed to catch the bus to take him to where we parked in the morning and then come back and get me.  It took about 1 1/2 hours, while I sat in the freezing cold.  I can't complain.  It was seriously better at that point to freeze to death than to try to walk another 5 miles.  I spent a lot of time thinking.  So grateful for Steve.  EVERY race we have run together, when he is done, he turns around and comes back up the trail and encourages me to finish.  He is my own personal cheerleader.  He is always so proud of my small accomplishment.  He makes me feel as though I am a winner.  All I could think was, "will he be disappointed".  He is such an accomplished runner.  I wish I could be more his equal in this hobby.  Steve finally got there and I entered the warm car and then the complete disappointment enveloped me.  I had not finished.  I may be slow, but I have never not finished!!!  I expressed to him my sense of failure. He then told me he was proud of me.  He knows how hard this is for me.  That at least I try and that these things happens, even to the most accomlished runner.   He asked if I wanted to get my medal...the thought of that medal crushed me.  That is the symbol of completion, of SUCCESS.  How could I accept that piece of hardware knowing I fell short.  The ride home I rode with a broken heart.  Now my biggest fear was telling my kids.  I have liked knowing the see me do these things that I am obviously not good at, but I FINISH.  We walked in the door and on the landing they had made a sign saying "WELCOME HOME MOM and DAD" with a drawing of the two of us running.  That definitely warmed my heart.  Then I had to tell them that I had not finished.  I was injured and did not cross the finish and it was then that one of them said to me, "we are proud of you mom and least you tried".

And that's the truth of it isn't it.  I could just throw up my hands and say, "I suck at running I am not doing this...I am slow...It's too much work" but I don't!!  I keep putting myself out there and trying, pushing myself.  Doing things that are not in my comfort zone.  I don't want to commit to any races now, but I don't think I am hanging up my wa-ogging shoes.   I owe it to myself to keep trying!!!  So grateful for my support system: Steve and the kids that keep me going.

Halloween Crafts...

Mikki saw this at Swiss Days and shared with me...so we HAD to make it.  Love all the different shaped letters and the glittered witch hat

Love the way my fireplace and mantel turned out this year.  Replaced my fireplace screen with these fence post animals. 

Close up of the fence post figures

I purchased 2 vinyl subway arts from Wood Connection...Cut a piece of wood to 12x12, painted it and then applied the vinyl.  So simple but way cute!!

I made this one at the end of last Halloween, but had to share it.  Everyone in the family has said home much they like that little guy!!

Always in my Heart

 

 Much of my thoughts have been on my Grandma Sansevero....Susie Sansevero....for the past few days.  I am not sure why.  Do you ever just suddenly find you are missing someone, even if it has been years (20+) since you have seen that person.  That is how I have felt recently.  I have wondered if it is because I have been watching many of the Soap Operas going off the air.  To many people this probably seems like no big deal, but this would have CRUSHED my Gram.  Well she would have been crushed watching all the early morning game shows disappear first.  I remember as a child the ritual of sitting down and watching Password, Jokers Wild, Tic Tac Dough, Price is Right or Wheel of Fortune in the morning as she crocheted and once we had challenged our brains sufficiently we settled into episodes of Ryan's Hope, Another World and Days of Our Lives.  She loved to watch her "shows".  And now as an adult (I am admitting this for all the world or at least the 5 people that actually read my blog) I LOVE soaps...I have been known to sneak away and watch a little bit of All My Children, One Life to Live or General Hospital.  So now, to what the era come to an end, I can't help but remember Gram and those moments of watching the programs with her.

 In that same mobile home that I was introduced to "over the top" soaps, there sat an end table that held a treasure trove of photos from the 1940s and 1950s.  There were these beautiful images of a much younger Susie; dressed up in fashions of the era-dresses, high heel shoes and beautiful hats.  I loved looking through those pictures.  I am sure that was the beginning of my love for things "retro"or "vintage".  She would tell me stories about what a fun lady she was back in the day and I could see that in the pictures.  I am so sad those beautiful pictures have disappeared and I am pretty sure I will never see them again.

So much of who I am, came from Grandma.  She was a card player.   She Rummy and Canasta.  I was playing Canasta when I was eight and LOVING it.  To this day I love playing cards.  She was a crafter of  sorts.  She crocheted.  She made doilies, blankets, table clothes, dolls.  I remember her giving me one of her crochet needles and some yarn and teaching me to crochet at a young age.  I don't crochet much now, but I am pretty "crafty" and feel good if my hands are busy.  She loved to sun bathe.  I know it is not PC to layout and bake yourself, but I still love to lay out on a lounge chair in the backyard and feel the sun on my skin.  This was an Italian woman that loved the food of her heritage.  I remember the kitchen on Christmas Eve being enveloped with the aroma of different seafood and fishy scents.  She made homemade macaroni (what we refer to as pasta) on the dining room table.  And even with her love of Mediterranean cuisine, she had an love for Chinese food.  YUM!! 

I am so grateful for the time I spent with Gram as a child and all she exposed me to and taught me. I still love her tons and hope I keep parts of her alive to my kiddos by exposing them to the things she introduced me to.

TOP of UTAH

Yesterday, Steve and I left the kiddos with my mom and pop while we sneaked away to Logan for his marathon.  We spent Friday evening birthday shopping for the twins, having dinner and just enjoying a little one-on-one time.  But the main reason we were up there was for Steve.  He woke up at 4am, dressed and went down to the lobby on the Holiday Inn Express we were staying at to meet the shuttle that would take him to the start.  I stayed in the room snuggled up in the bed, just watching the clock as I imagined what he was experiencing-the anticipation, the cold, the build up of adrenaline, etc...I finally got my self dressed and stopped off at WalMart to pick up an umbrella because Mother Nature had played a little joke on us that morning by raining.  I made it to the finish line with my new umbrella protecting me from the rain as I watched  5K runners.  This year I had signed up to get text message notifications of where Steve was a long the course and it actually worked this time.  I kind of liked that.  It helped me anticipate exactly when Steve would be crossing the finish line.  The timer above the finish line hit 3:00 hours and I knew it would not be long until I would see my runner.  There he was about ten minutes later running towards me.  I just can't help myself when I see Steve during his races.  I yell and call his name.  Many of the people around me looked as if I had two heads, but truthfully I didn't care.  I am always so extremely proud of Steve.  He works hard during the months leading up to his races.  He runs on his days off, whether he wants to or not.  I know he sets the bar high for himself to achieve a certain time, but I am always tickled that he comes in as early as he does.  I was inspired by watching him run some of these marathons to tackle my first half marathons.  I obviously don't achieve the excellence that he does, but I have learned that you run your own race and have learned to be proud of my accomplishments.  I hope he remembers those lessons he taught me as he continues to challenge himself and run future races.