Wednesday, July 03, 2013

This is All Too Familiar

From the time I hit puberty (more years ago than I would like to admit to) I have battled my weight.  I grew up with uncles that teased (tortured) me by calling me names: Fatso, Tub-o, Chubby, etc. and to be honest looking back I was not FAT, I was curvy, but not FAT.  During my sophomore year of high school there was a group of girls (who I had considered friends) that left a note in my math book that had a picture of what was suppose to be me with a pig face and large, bulging hips.  I found it, as they had hoped, in my algebra class and completely broke down.  During this time, I did comfort myself with cookies, pieces of bread, cheese, ice cream that I snuck into my room and ate ALONE.  All with the thought that this would make me feel better.  It never really did, but the food didn't call me names and was always there for me.  I did all sorts of diets: Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Vitamin shots, plans I read in magazines.  And my weight would fluctuate.
As adulthood started, and I was buying my own food, I ate less and spent my evenings at a country nightclub line dancing.  I got in decent shape and began to wear tight Wrangler jeans and tight bodysuits (yes, bodysuits were cool then).  At the same nightclub I found the love of my life and so we got married.  I am so blessed, he is a man that loves my "womanly" figure.  As you might expect, we started our family and I loved having the excuse to eat for 2 (or more).  My weight skyrocketed well above 200 lbs.  YIKES!!!  I was hoping that when my son was born he would weigh 60 or 70 pounds, because that couldn't possibly be ALL ME.  Alas, it was ALL ME.  I carried reminders of my 3 pregnancies with me long after my twins were born.
That is where my latest journey with Weight Watchers began (nearly 6 years ago).  I started at 214 lbs.  YEP, that is a HEFTY number.  In about 1 1/2 years I had lost 55 lbs. of that.  I felt pretty confident.  And as you might think I stopped following the program as strictly as I initially did.  And it actually worked for a while.  I maintained that weight for a few years, but in the last 1 1/2 I have been out of control.  Not tracking my food as diligently as I use, eating just about ANYTHING I want.  And to be honest it has all been DELICIOUS, but not worth the 30 pounds I have put back on.
And that is where I am today.  I went to my Weight Watcher Meeting today and weighed in.  Tipping the scale at 191.  (Wow, that is a hard thing to type)  So I am recommitting myself to losing that weight, AGAIN and FINALLY getting to GOAL (145 lb.).  I almost feel like I need a list of why it is worth going without some of my favorites:
  • I don't want to be fat in the pictures for Zack's graduation
  • I want to feel like being more active
  • I want to wear the clothes in my closet again
  • BOOTS!!!
  • I want to feel SEXY when Steve looks at me
  • 25 Year Reunion coming up soon
  • Want to be a good role model for my girls
I want Steve to be able to lift me up with any extra effort.
I am hoping to use this old blog to journal my journey, vent on rough days, celebrate my accomplishments.  Not sure anyone will read it and don't actually care if anyone does.  Just think it will be cathartic to let some of these feelings out.
Wish me Luck!!!

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